Letting Go of the Mother I Thought I'd Be

I have been surrounded by children my entire life. At just four years old, I became an older cousin, and from that moment, I found joy in caring for kids. As the years passed, I became a babysitter, a nanny, a volunteer in schools and daycare facilities, and eventually, a teacher. With each experience, I built an image of the mother I would be—what I would do, what I wouldn’t do, and the values I would instill. By the time I was ready to start my own family, I had a perfectly crafted vision of motherhood.

And then I had a child on the spectrum.

As I reflect on that vision, I realize how I have had to slowly let go of the mother I thought I would be and embrace the overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious, and deeply loving mother I am today. Because parenting is hard. And raising a child with unique needs brings challenges I never could have imagined.

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The mother I was going to be fed her children healthy meals they always ate—because I was only making one meal.

I am the mom who understands my son's limits. I might cook a meal, but I know if it has certain ingredients (those darn onions), he will find them and reject the dish entirely. Instead, I cautiously select ingredients and encourage a taste test—then he can decide whether he makes something else.

I am the mom who knows the relief of a fast-food meal on a busy night. Though it's not an everyday habit, my boys still know their favorite orders at a handful of places.

I am the mom who will meticulously wipe every drop of unwanted ketchup off a cheeseburger so my child will eat it.

I am the mom who picks out tomato chunks from chili because that small effort makes all the difference.

I am the mom who knows that no one wins if my child is hangry.

The mother I was going to be had firm screen time limits.

I am the mom who sets boundaries but allows extra time for good behavior, chores, and reading.

I am the mom who knows that screens give my child a much-needed break from a world that requires him to continually mask.

I am the mom who doesn’t count it as “screen time” when we’re watching High Potential as a family or when he’s bonding with his dad over Mario Kart—because connection matters more.

The mother I was going to be was active and social.

I am the mom who constantly thinks ahead, preparing for what could go wrong so I can mitigate challenges before they happen.

I am the mom who prefers predictable environments because I know my son thrives in them.

I am the mom who preps my child for overwhelming situations by coaching him on how to regulate his emotions when he feels dysregulated, frustrated, or overstimulated.

I am the mom who worries that my son will be unfairly judged in new environments.

And so, I am the mom who is not as active or social as I once imagined.

The mother I was going to be had children who never misbehaved or talked back.

I am the mom who values kindness above all else. If you misbehave but aren’t hurting others, I have a higher tolerance for it.

I am the mom who understands the crucial difference between a tantrum and a meltdown—one is about not getting what they want, the other is about being overwhelmed by the world around them.

I am the mom who has accepted that others may judge me because they don’t understand that difference.

The mother I was going to be was always cool, calm, and collected.

I am the mom who strives to help my children understand how their actions affect others and guide them toward solutions.

But I am also the mom who, when overwhelmed, loses her temper.

I am the mom who sometimes yells—but I am also the mom who apologizes after.

The mother I was going to be had all the answers.

I am the mom who is constantly learning—adapting, supporting, and seeking to understand my child.

I am the mom who has spent countless hours in trial and error, searching for ways to help my son regulate and understand his needs.

I am the mom who shares what I’ve learned in the hope that it helps another mother navigating this path.

I am the mom who knows that no one ever has all the answers.

The mother I was going to be had it all together.

I am the mom who relies on my partnership with my husband to keep everything running.

I am the mom who is always tired but always striving to do more.

I am the mom whose kids always have clean clothes, even if they’re from the load that never made it out of the dryer.

I am the mom who loves crafting adorable gifts and embracing a good theme, but who also dreads the days my kids ask to pack their lunch.

I am the mom who sometimes feels lonely, navigating a world where few truly understand what this journey is like.

I am the mom who depends on anti-anxiety medication because being my best self makes me a better mother.

The mother I was going to be loved her children unconditionally.

This was one vision of motherhood that remained true.

More than anything, I am a mother who loves her children completely and unconditionally.

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Over the last ten years, I have learned to let go of that idealized version of motherhood. And in doing so, I have embraced and come to love the mother I am—the one who is overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious; but also strong, resilient, and, above all, unstoppable.