Practice Makes Predictable

There I sat, near tears, on the edge of Dawson's bed surrounded by clothes and costumes, unsure of what to do next. Dawson, only 3 years old at the time, lay on the floor crying because he didn't want to be anybody else, he just wanted to be Dawson. How did we end up in this situation on Halloween night when I had felt so prepared? 

I had asked Dawson early in October what he wanted to be and he excitedly suggested a ghost. Thanks to pinterest, I had adorable ideas on what to do with a simple white sheet. As soon as I had put it on him and told him that he was a ghost he began to cry. I convinced myself this unexpected reaction was because ghosts can be scary, so I tried something else. I had a variety of superhero costumes I had purchased the previous year on clearance just waiting to be worn. I laid them all out on his bed the week of Halloween and asked which one he wanted to wear. He chose the sleek red and gold Iron Man costume that even created the illusion of a muscular build. It was settled - he was going to be Iron Man. 

And yet there we were on Halloween night, moments before we had anticipated leaving to trick-or-treat and both Dawson and I were in meltdown mode. I had brought out every costume we owned, and with each one, Dawson grew more defiant.

He wasn't going to be anyone else - he was Dawson. 

As I slowly succumbed to my reality that he wasn't going to dress up, I dug up one last option - a football uniform his godmother had gifted him. I told him that it was a new set of pajamas and that he would be Dawson in pajamas and get candy. He agreed to this, but refused the helmet. And that evening we took our boys trick-or-treating - one as a chicken and one as Dawson in a ‘new set of jammies.’ 

As we concluded our tour of houses, my husband and I reflected on the meltdown we had experienced. We tried to understand where we had gone wrong. This was months before Dawson was identified as autistic, and we were stuck in our own ignorance of his needs. As we discussed what could have been the cause of the frustration we settled on that he must have been tired or misunderstood the premise of Halloween. 

Halloween - the one night a year kids dress up as different characters, creatures, and people and go door to door asking for candy from strangers by stating the very specific, but very confusing term, "Trick or Treat." What is there to possibly misunderstand?!

As the following months unfolded and we began to learn more about Dawson and his autism identification, we began to understand that fateful Halloween night. One unique and amazing way that Dawson looks at the world is in a literal sense. If he is dressed up as a ghost, then he in fact becomes a ghost, of which he was not willing to do for a bucketful of candy. And though that Iron Man costume had the appeal of a defined six-pack of abs, Dawson was also not willing to give up his own identity as Dawson to become Iron Man for the night. 

And so we practiced. 

At the end of July, that following year, we began to talk with Dawson about Halloween. What would he want to dress up as, while also being Dawson. He had become fixated with the three arachnids in the movie Spookley the Square Pumpkin, and insisted that both he and his younger brother, Kamden, dress up as them. I searched for spider costumes, and I finally stumbled across 2 purple and black arachnid costumes that gained Dawson's approval. Once they arrived in late August, we started having Dawson become comfortable with wearing his arachnid costume. He would wear it around the house and outside and would practice being Dawson - dressed as an arachnid. 

But as Halloween neared, my husband and I knew this was not the only limitation we might face during the night. There is the obscure and awkward tradition of ringing a doorbell (once!), waiting, saying, "Trick or Treat," accepting candy (even if it is just one piece) and moving on to the next house. 

And so we practiced. 

We would have Dawson walk along the sidewalk and up to our door to ring the doorbell. One of us would be in the house with candy and the other would coach him what to say and do. After a few afternoons of this practice, we had him practice with a neighbor he was comfortable with. 

We practiced until it became predictable. 

That Halloween, and every other Halloween to follow have been a success. Every July we begin the discussion of what Dawson would like to dress up as that year and we allow him to have the final say in costume approval. We have coached him in socially appropriate behavior for the evening - even if some of it goes against other social cues we have taught him in his day-to-day life. He has learned to advocate that if someone asks if he is a specific character or creature that he can correct them and say, "I am Dawson, but I am dressed up as a...." However, the most important part about practicing is that it has allowed Dawson to find joy in the holiday.

We have continued this routine of practicing for unique traditions that take him out of his comfort zone - such as Easter Egg Hunts and 4th of July fireworks. We do this every year, even though the practices have become brief and routine. We have learned that for Dawson, the best thing we can provide for him in these fun yet overwhelming holidays  is predictability.