Top 5

It was a hot June evening as I quickly trailed behind Dawson. Having just finished his coach-pitch baseball game, he hurriedly set his focus on the dusty make-shift parking lot. As I followed him, I continued to ask what was going on. Dawson kept reassuring me that he needed to hurry, but he needed me there for permission. Completely confused, I continued on. 

As we approached a group of his teammates, I quickly realized the difficulty of the situation - there stood a group of his peers stacking their pillows and overnight bags into the back of a van. Before I could figure out the next 'right' thing to do, Dawson bravely asked, "Hey, can I come to your birthday party too? My mom is here to give me permission." His friend's mom looked at me with discomfort and sadness as she explained that she had allowed her son to pick only five friends to sleep over, and he couldn't invite everyone. Dawson stood there, not quite soaking in the inferred meaning of couldn't invite everyone. As I began trying to ease Dawson out of this tough situation, I told him that we would find another time for him to hang out with his friend. But he persisted, "My mom could drive me to your house if there's not room in your van. I could grab my stuff quick, it won't take long. I can meet you there." Knowing that Dawson needs to hear things literally to truly understand the concept, I had to bluntly share, "Dawson, your friend picked five other friends, you were not picked and aren't invited to the party. We can find something else to do tonight instead." I'm not sure whose heart shattered more as the reality of my statement settled in - Dawson's or mine.

There were tears, lots of tears. My husband and I had to sit down and share the harsh reality of the top five. 

The trouble with the top five is that just because someone is part of your top five friends list, doesn't mean that you are also part of theirs. 

This harsh reality is one that continued to surface as Dawson got older. Though there were occasions when Dawson would be included through one on one invitations or having his peers over to our house after school, we often found ourselves having to explain this harsh reality of the top five with him. Whether he heard of gatherings from friends talking at school, seeing them together in public, or me seeing the posts on social media, it was becoming evident - Dawson wasn't making top five with most of his peers. 

And then life shifted.

This past year our family made a big move to a new community. Dawson and Kamden began attending a new and larger school, each creating an entirely new set of friends. From the beginning of the school year, Dawson would come home and talk about a friend he really liked, H. Dawson would share how funny, welcoming, and nice H was and how he really wanted to have H over to play and invite him to his birthday party - a solid six months away. As the talk of birthday parties arose, we continued to remind Dawson that he would always have a choice in his top five list and who he would like to invite to his parties; but just because H was part of Dawson's top five, that didn't mean it was mutual. 

And then I got the request that brought a new kind of tears to my eyes. 

H's parents reached out to share that H had been allowed to invite three friends to his birthday party, and he wanted Dawson to come! 

As a mom, I felt pure joy and relief that my son wasn't just seen, but was appreciated and chosen by one of his peers. Dawson excitedly accepted the invitation and eagerly counted down the days until the big birthday party. As we neared the day my husband and I worked on important social skills with Dawson and ways to regulate himself in exciting and overwhelming environments in hopes of a behavior-free experience.

When Dawson returned from the party he explained that had the best time with H and his other peers and shared many fun and funny memories he had made that day. I knew it had been difficult to see Dawson left out in the past, but I didn’t realize how much I needed this for him, until that moment.

The truth about the top five is that there is always a top five, and the hardest part with the top five as an autism mom, is that you always pray that your child is on someone else’s list.