Understanding Autism: Sibling Edition

I am often surprised by what comes out of kids’ mouths when we give them the platform to say exactly what they are thinking. My interview with my youngest, Kamden, was no different.

The purpose of the interview was to shed some light on his perspective of having a brother with autism.

As much as my husband and I try to ensure that both of our boys receive love, attention, and support from us, it is inevitable that Dawson needs a little more in order to be successful. And so, my hope was to better understand what this experience feels like for my 8-year-old son—and, perhaps more importantly, to make sure I wasn’t assuming I already knew.

To understand Kamden, you have to know that ever since this child was born, he has been unapologetically himself. He plays hard, loves hard, and feels hard. He loves penguins, the Broncos, and his friends and family at an impressive level. And eight times out of ten, he has a smile on his face and no shirt on. He truly lives his best life every day.

So, as we sat together on the couch, I wanted to give him a platform to explain what he thinks about autism, Dawson, and how having an autistic brother impacts him. To prepare him, I told him I would ask him some questions and that I just wanted him to answer however he felt. There were no wrong answers.

And as the interview began, I discovered just how much his understanding of autism has been shaped by Dawson’s view of autism.

When I asked Kam to describe what autism is, he immediately shared positive things. He described it as a superpower his brother has. He talked about how it gives Dawson a great memory, allows him to think about things differently than other people, and makes his brain work in a unique way. He even said autism isn’t a disorder because there is nothing wrong with the way Dawson’s brain works.

If I’m being honest, this would probably be almost exactly how Dawson himself would explain autism.

But then I asked Kamden what he wished other people understood about Dawson, and his answer warmed my heart. He wishes people understood how Dawson’s mind works and how that can impact our family.

When I asked what Dawson needs when he becomes overwhelmed, Kam showed just how much he understands his brother. He knew exactly what helps: a squishy sensory item, a tight squeeze, or some time to listen to music.

But what I really wanted to learn through this interview was how having an autistic brother impacts Kamden as a sibling.

And once again, his answers surprised me.

He acknowledged that there are times when he and Dawson fight, but he doesn’t see autism as the reason. To him, they are simply brothers who disagree about sharing, annoy one another, and get on each other’s nerves sometimes. In his eyes, that is just part of being brothers.

When he thinks about Dawson’s autism, though, Kamden doesn’t focus on what it takes away from our family. He focuses on what it adds.

He talked about getting to meet new people through Operation Shine activities. He talked about getting to understand how Dawson’s brain works. He talked about having a brother with an incredible memory who can think about things in ways other people might not.

As we worked through the questions, I found myself smiling at his answers—and at the facial expressions that showed just how passionate he was about his brother.

He loves his brother. He is proud of him. And he sees all the things Dawson can do.

I went into this interview wanting to make sure Kamden was seen, too.

Because when one child needs more support, it can be easy to worry about the child who seems to need less. I wanted to know what this experience felt like for him. I wanted to make sure he had a space to be honest, to share what was hard, and to know that his feelings mattered just as much as his brother’s.

And what I discovered was that Kamden doesn’t see his life through a lens of what he might be missing.

He isn’t keeping score.

He isn’t measuring what Dawson gets against what he gets.

He isn’t wishing for a different brother.

He sees Dawson for who he is—and he sees the ways having Dawson as a brother has enriched his own life.

He sees a brother who thinks differently, remembers things others don’t, and experiences the world in his own way. He sees the people they have met, the experiences they have shared, and the things he has learned simply by being Dawson’s brother.

And maybe that’s what I love most about his perspective.

It isn’t that he doesn’t notice the challenges. He does.

It isn’t that he doesn’t understand that Dawson needs more sometimes. He absolutely does.

It’s that he can hold all of that truth alongside something equally important: He loves being Dawson’s brother.

As his mom, I will always want to make sure Kamden feels seen, heard, supported, and loved—not because I assume he is missing something, but because his experience matters, too.

And after sitting on that couch and listening to him talk, I walked away feeling pretty confident that he knows that.

He knows his brother is different.

He knows his brother needs more sometimes.

And he knows, without hesitation, that he wouldn’t trade his brother for anything.