An Opportunity

As a teacher there was one phrase that I always dreaded hearing from parents - 

“They don’t do that at home.” 

I know I wasn’t the only teacher with this issue - It was frustrating to hear that behaviors that were in some cases, consuming my day, were not happening or being recognized in the home environment. It felt as if the parent was implying blame, as if I had created the behaviors. This often led many teachers to wonder if the parents were in denial,avoiding discipline, or flat out lying, . 

And then I became the mom of an autistic child. 

When Dawson was in preschool and experienced his first aggressive experience at school, my husband and I found ourselves puzzled by the behavior. We truly had not seen this behavior at home. As educators ourselves, we knew the stigma attached to saying that out loud, and hesitantly admitted this to his teacher. But it was stated in pure honesty - no lies, no denial, and no lack of discipline. 

As we learned more about Dawson’s needs, triggers, and identification on the spectrum, I began to uncover the true reality - we hadn’t seen these behaviors at home, because Dawson wasn’t triggered at home. At home he was one of only two children, his brother only 1 year old. At home he had his safe space - his room, where he could retreat and regulate. At home he had one-on-one attention from adults who understood him. At home he had everything he needed - there was nothing causing him to be so dysregulated that he resorted to aggression

I came to the awareness that we can’t always compare behaviors between school and home, because they are two very different environments. 

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As I began my instructional coaching career, I distinctly remember working with a teacher regarding one of their autistic students. They shared in frustration that the parents claim that they don’t see this behavior at home. It gave me a moment of pause as I was quickly brought back to that moment when Dawson was in preschool. We truly had not seen this behavior at home. Perhaps the parents of this child were not lying, in denial or avoiding discipline; perhaps these parents were providing a calm and adaptable environment at home. 

I shared this revelation with the teacher and suggested that they may have a really great opportunity - to learn from the family. The reality is that no matter where the parent is coming from with the statement, “They don’t do that at home,” as educators, we have an opportunity to lean in and learn. 

It should be something to celebrate when a child is not overstimulated in every setting of their life. Perhaps the teacher could first share that they are happy to hear that the child’s environment at home is serving them well.  Even if you are skeptical - what each person finds calming is subjective. Then lean in. Ask about the activities and spaces that the student enjoys at home. For Dawson, it was his room - a space that was just his and filled with his favorite characters and items. If they name a setting, ask for details about the space - what does it look like? What is in it? Is it bright or dim lighting? Is it quiet or loud? Do they lay there, or are they free to move around? Though we can’t re-create a room for every student, this opportunity could allow educators to get an understanding of what their student finds important, and use that learning to create a space where their needs can also be met at school. 

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Regardless of the intention behind the statement, “They don’t do that at home,” I have come to appreciate the gift of grace and understanding when raising a special needs child. There are behaviors that I don’t battle - because I just don’t have the energy after all the other things I have chosen to battle. There are behaviors I address at home, that teachers will never see (you’re welcome!), and there are behaviors I will never see, because they are addressed at school (thank you!). 

May we all take these moments of doubt and frustration as opportunities to lean in and learn.